Tuesday Afternoon Backup Quarterback (Without Playcalling Duties)

Besides no longer understanding what a touchdown is, Week One in the NFL taught us a few things…not the least of which is that offenses suck early in the season.

Five things I witnessed aside from the Calvin Johnson’s NFL Rule 8, Section 1, Article 4 Catch:

1. People shouldn’t get too pumped about Michael Vick.PIs he worth an add? Maybe, I picked him up in our League, if only to trade him to Karns.  Yes he ran for 100 yards, yes he threw for 175 in a little over a half of football, and yes he showed glimpses of what everyone thought he was capable of when he used to look like he would change the way football was played.  But history has shown us that Michael Vick is not a quarterback.  He’s inaccurate and at the height of his popularity in 2006, his QB rating was a 75.7 and a career average of 75.9.  To put that in perspective, Lions stud Scott Mitchell averaged a 79.2 rating during his five season in Detroit.  If you watched the game on Sunday, you saw at least five miraculous catches by Eagles receivers on seemingly underthrown balls.  The Packers defense prepared for a standard pocket passer. Maybe he turned the corner, but simply put, I’m all ears on the trade offers.
2. Either the Giants have an unstoppable run defense, or the Panthers are in trouble. Panthers QB Matt Moore had time, and still threw three picks.  Moore was hospitalized Sunday after getting rocked in the fourth quarter by Mathias Kiwanuka and it’s already been announced that uberfruitball Jimmy Clausen will probably start this week against Tampa Bay.  Don’t worry though, they have arguably the best running game in the League with two can’t miss backs…until they decided not to hand the ball off. In 2009 they averaged almost 33 runs a game, against the Giants they attempted 24 rushes for 89 yards.  All is not lost though, with Clausen at the reigns they are going to have to pound the ball.
3. The Cowboys make me happy. Growing up a Packers fan, the early to mid-nineties were a frustrating time as Mike Holmgren and his boys would make the playoffs, win a game and head to Dallas for an annual asskicking.  With high expectations for an on-paper talented club, the Cowboys looked bad.  Playcalling was weird and 47 passing attempts yielded almost nothing for anyone except Miles Austin owners.  Dez Bryant can’t break tackles (maybe if he had gone through some rookie hazing) and a rebuilding season for an aging Redskins team should not leave them looking that good.  It’s early and they still almost won, but I’m hoping for a season of misery for “America’s Team.”
4. Turns out the all new Randy Moss is…..still Randy Moss. I think its cool that it at least takes a few years for HOF-bound receiver Randy Moss to give up on a team.  “From a business standpoint, this will be my last year with the Patriots,” said Moss regarding his lack of a deal. He claims that it doesn’t mean he was leaving, so I really don’t know what that means. UPDATE: Moss supposedly met with Bill Belichick last night.
5. Mendenhall owners got crazy lucky and you should trade Michael Turner ASAP. Mendenhall’s first 21 carries gave him 70 yards and no touchdowns, which is slightly better than what I could do.  I guess he just needed the pressure of overtime to break one and fill out his stat line.  As for Turner, you have to give some credit to the Steelers defense but even still, he’s not at game speed.  His injury last season may have done fantasy owners in on what used to be 150 yards+ and at least one touchdown, usually two.  Turner owners may need to start thinking of some backup plans.

Quick Hits:

• If  The Sherminators have decided to give up on Shonn Greene, I’ll take him.  That second half at Rex Ryan’s f*cking hip was more a lesson in not fumbling than an LT development, he’ll get his touches.
• Although I’m a Pack fan, I’ve never hated the Bears.  Cutler might be an interesting start this weekend because the Bears having nothing to lose by going in to Dallas and turning some heads.  Can you image Jerry Jones starting 0-2?  Plus Cutler is publicly dating Kristin Cavallari, so he’s having a pretty good week.
• That defensive hold in the second game last night by the Chiefs makes me think they might be this year’s ’09 first-half Broncos.
• If you’re roster was affected by the loss of Matthew Stafford, you really need to reevaluate your roster.
• Cedric Benson’s stock is in question now that the Bengals might be more pass-first than everyone thought prior to the season.

Terrible Fantasy Team that Beat You This Week:

QB Michael Vick PHI, 16/24 for 175 yards – 1 TD 0 INT, 11 ATT for 103 yards

RB Matt Forte CHI,  17 ATT for 50 yards, 7 Rec for 151 Yards and 2 Tds

RB Tim Hightower ARI, 13 ATT for 54 yards and 1 TD, 4 Rec for 40 Yards

WR Legedu Naanee SD, 5 Rec for 110 yards and 1 TD

WR Mark Clayton STL, 10 Rec for 119 yards

WR Nate Washington TEN, 3 Rec for 88 yards and 1 TD

TE Mercedes Lewis JAX, 2 Rec for 31 yards and 2 Tds

TE Evan Moore CLE, 3 Rec for 87 yards

K John Kasay, 3/3 FG Long of 52 and 1XP

DEF Seahawks, 6PA, 2 INTS, 1 TD

Random Week 2 KFFL Matchup to Keep and Eye On:

Gym Schwartz vs. Not Allowed to play coed

• Key to Victory for Not Allowed to play coed: Continued Arian Foster dominance (not likely) and increased production from Ryan Mathews and something, anything, from Ray Rice.

● Key to Victory for Gym Schwartz: Lars not screwing it up with a dumb trade.

Brief Analysis: If I were a betting man, I think only injuries can stop Gym Schwartz from potentially running the table this season.  A team that features CJY2 whatever the f*ck, AP, Andre Johnson, Forte on the BENCH, Best and a serviceable QB, there will be trouble.  It’s also important to note that this matchup features pretty much all of the Top 12 RBs from Week One.

Final Thought:

I set a League-record for lowest point total EVER in my opening week.  We’ll all have our ups and downs, I only have one way to go.